Socially Acceptable Holiday Excuses

Tis’ the season of spending time with friends & family telling your friends & family some of these socially acceptable phrases:

1. “I’m sorry, I just gave all my cash to the Salvation Army ringer standing next door. I will donate on my out of the store!” Truth: You actually spent all your money on a fancy new dress to wear to a holiday party, and you will go out the other exit of the store to avoid the evil glare and shame from the Salvation Army bell ringer.

2. “I wish you had called yesterday, I just promised by friend I would go to their holiday Christmas party” Truth: No plans, no previous engagements. All you know is that you are not about to get roped into an evening of pretending to enjoy talking to Bob from accounting. Bob from accounting thinks that big smile on your face is from listening to him describe his Star Wars comic book collection. Bob from accounting thinks you smiling because are so excited about his Star Wars comic book collection. Bob from accounting can’t believe how excited you are, and he insists on setting a date to read all his comics together. Bob from accounting forget to zip his pants & you can’t stop laughing at his Star Wars underwear poking through. Wow, Bob really does love Star Wars.

3. “It’s in the mail” or “It’s on backorder and should be here soon” Truth: When did you and Bob from accounting start exchanging presents? At least you can return the present and use the cash to buy Bob from accounting a new Star Wars comic book and use the leftover money to reward yourself with something new & shiny. You deserve a present for having sat through an evening of reading Bob from accounting’s Star Wars comic books together (you really are a giver).

4. “Thank you so much for the holiday card. I’ve been swamped with work and just got around to mailing mine.” Truth: You have been on vacation for a week. You are now so annoyed that you have to go buy a card, write in the card how you wish them the best in the new year, and then buy stamps for the card. The best idea would be for the sender to have given you the $5.00 they spent on the card. If they had just given you that money, you genuinely would want to wish them the best in the new year.

You know what these people look like, no need for them to send a card that is a picture of them and their dogs. You think to yourself: Really? Was it necessary to send me a card with a picture of you posing with your dogs on the front? I know what you look like, I know what your dogs look like, and if I forget I can just look at your pictures on Facebook. If you are set on sending a card, just email it. At least then I don’t risk getting a papercut opening the envelope, and your email will go straight to spam. Your time is less wasted by clicking send to all, and I am saving you money. Once again, you really are a giver.

5. “What does eggnog taste like? I’ve never had it before” Truth: You have had eggnog & you know very well how it tastes – horrible. You actually hate eggnog, but the bar is dry. The only thing left is the giant bowl of eggnog that Bob from accounting made. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and you need a cocktail.

6. “If I hear one more Christmas song I will….” Truth: You will do nothing, you won’t even change the radio station. Instead, you will finish singing along to the song & possibly hum the tune the rest of the day. You will hope for one of two things to happen:

1.) Bob from accounting overhears you humming. Bob from accounting discovers you can’t hum or carry a tune, and in fact you are one of the worst singers ever. Bob from accounting finds this quality so unattractive you no longer read Star Wars comic books together.

or

2.) Bob from accounting overhears you humming and now he has the Christmas song stuck in his head. Bob from accounting doesn’t enjoy the song, in fact it is the one Christmas song he hates so much that he will actually change the radio. Bob from accounting desperately wants this Christmas song out of his head that, but the Christmas song won’t leave. Bob from accounting keeps telling himself to “Get it out, get it out now! It’s in my head, I can’t get it out!”  People now are a little scared of Bob from accounting. One person even informs HR that Bob from accounting might have mental problems. Bob from accounting is placed on sabbatical.

Advertisements